Back to the land of logging...

So I am back!

I have decided to give this another shot. I don't know my current weight, but I do know my measurements. They are roughly the same as on the 3rd of May. That being said, I am guessing that I have probably put on between 1-5 pounds during my time off. I have no idea of the actual amount. My clothes are still loose; smallest jeans are still too big... so it can't be that bad.

I will weigh next Monday.

I already logged my breakfast. I shall be aiming for 1,200 to 1,400 again. I am hoping if I can keep this up for a couple of months at least, I can lose between 7-10 pounds. I would be pleased with that.

I do find the whole process frustrating. I realised a bit about myself during the time off:

1. I enjoyed not being fixated on food
2. I enjoyed eating a mixture of things - including fattening things I would normally not be able to eat on a 'diet'
3. I tend to eat without thinking - this is still a big issue for me
4. I tend to eat companionably - i.e. so-and-so is having one, so I will have one too... regardless of if I am hungry/need it or not

Regarding #3 & #4, I am starting to wonder if I will ever crack those. I don't know why they are so difficult for me to break free from. I am almost starting to accept the idea that maybe I won't ever conquer those as I had thought I might. In that respect, I do think that I shall have to keep an eye on my size forever.

Relationship With Food - Feeling The Best I Have In Ages!

The decision to give up on this hyper-focus has probably been one of my better decisions of late. I am in the best place I have been regarding food for an extremely long time.

1. I am enjoying food
2. I am eating what I feel I want
3. I am not feeling bogged down by restrictions 
4. I am not going crazy & eating with abandon

Today I actually logged because I wanted to and I was hovering around the 1,600 mark. My BMR (how many calories I would burn if I just lay in bed all day not moving) is around 1,515-1,555 depending on which calculator is used, so seeing as I am actually moving around, I think this is okay. My maintenance is probably around 1,700-1,800. If I up the exercise, I can get away with more calories for maintenance (and weight loss too) so would probably be maintaining around the 1,900 to 2,100 mark.

Talking about exercise, this is going to be my focus for a bit. I think I shall keep an eye on my calories and try to aim for around 1,600 on my higher days, but I am not going to sweat it and get all tangled up in labels and numbers. I really want to concentrate more of my efforts on getting this body moving. I remember earlier in the year I was really enjoying doing yoga and some TurboJam and ballet workouts and fun stuff like that. I lost my way a bit due to not feeling well and also concentrating so hard on the food aspect of this journey. I really need to figure out more of a balance if I can. So focusing on the exercise part is a good start. I did a walk yesterday with the dog. I did keep my walks up as much as possible, which wasn't all that much at times due to the weather, but I do feel I made an effort, which is more than I can say for other things.

My exercise plan is to get kick-started with something different. I don't fancy doing TurboJam for some reason (mainly all the jumping around) so I think it's time to dig out Leslie Sansone and start Walk Away The Pounds again. Most of Leslie's workouts that I have looked at are PERFECT for people who have joint and muscle problems or who are very overweight/unfit/deconditioned as they are not focused on leaping around so much. They usually have good modifications. In terms of movement they are more of a power-walk than a run. Yet, in the past I have found them incredibly useful for burning calories and increasing my stamina. I do have one that is a bit more intense because it is intervals of strength training mixed with cardio, but the rest seem okay. So I shall start with the 3 mile one and see how I get on.

Given Up - Focusing on my relationship with food

I have been physically quite 'extra' unwell the past few weeks and I am mentally struggling. I have a lot of things I am processing in my mind about my life that have nothing to do with my weight. I need to change so many things and make decisions about situations in my life and I find that all takes guts and time and energy. I am very tired and pretty fed up with the situation as it stands and I don't really know what to do, where I am going or how to get there. As a result, I feel quite depressed.

I am still conscious of my food intake and what I am eating, so I am keeping somewhat of an eye on it. I reckon I am eating about 1,500-1,600 a day on my 'looser' days and 1,250-1,450 on my more controlled days. I have logged on and off over the past month. I haven't lost more weight since I last posted weight loss. Exercise is still challenging due to the not feeling well and I have only managed walks here and there. If anything, I would love to change this aspect - if the weather was nicer and the sun was shining, I could imagine myself getting outside... but it's been flooding here and so grey (am sure this does not help my mindset).

At the moment, I am aiming to either stay the same weight or perhaps lose if I can get a deficit. I am logging on the days when I feel like it and not bothering on the days when I don't. I am not going to waste time and energy on worrying about logging when I could be using that energy to do something else. I am hoping that being kind to myself and being less obsessive about the whole 'diet' and 'exercise' regime will actually allow me to revisit a more structured regime  in a few weeks or a month or two. I don't know when, but I want to get back there.

AIMS -

So my biggest aim is to not gain.
To be able to be comfortable with what I eat and not to be so hung up on everything.
I don't want the emotional state to result in comfort eating or eating without thinking.
I want to deal better with my situation from a food perspective... perhaps to focus on repairing my relationship with food, so it is not the enemy and neither is it the friend - it just is... fuel, that I enjoy, but that I eat because I need it, not because my life is a mess and/or I feel down.