Back to the land of logging...

So I am back!

I have decided to give this another shot. I don't know my current weight, but I do know my measurements. They are roughly the same as on the 3rd of May. That being said, I am guessing that I have probably put on between 1-5 pounds during my time off. I have no idea of the actual amount. My clothes are still loose; smallest jeans are still too big... so it can't be that bad.

I will weigh next Monday.

I already logged my breakfast. I shall be aiming for 1,200 to 1,400 again. I am hoping if I can keep this up for a couple of months at least, I can lose between 7-10 pounds. I would be pleased with that.

I do find the whole process frustrating. I realised a bit about myself during the time off:

1. I enjoyed not being fixated on food
2. I enjoyed eating a mixture of things - including fattening things I would normally not be able to eat on a 'diet'
3. I tend to eat without thinking - this is still a big issue for me
4. I tend to eat companionably - i.e. so-and-so is having one, so I will have one too... regardless of if I am hungry/need it or not

Regarding #3 & #4, I am starting to wonder if I will ever crack those. I don't know why they are so difficult for me to break free from. I am almost starting to accept the idea that maybe I won't ever conquer those as I had thought I might. In that respect, I do think that I shall have to keep an eye on my size forever.

Relationship With Food - Feeling The Best I Have In Ages!

The decision to give up on this hyper-focus has probably been one of my better decisions of late. I am in the best place I have been regarding food for an extremely long time.

1. I am enjoying food
2. I am eating what I feel I want
3. I am not feeling bogged down by restrictions 
4. I am not going crazy & eating with abandon

Today I actually logged because I wanted to and I was hovering around the 1,600 mark. My BMR (how many calories I would burn if I just lay in bed all day not moving) is around 1,515-1,555 depending on which calculator is used, so seeing as I am actually moving around, I think this is okay. My maintenance is probably around 1,700-1,800. If I up the exercise, I can get away with more calories for maintenance (and weight loss too) so would probably be maintaining around the 1,900 to 2,100 mark.

Talking about exercise, this is going to be my focus for a bit. I think I shall keep an eye on my calories and try to aim for around 1,600 on my higher days, but I am not going to sweat it and get all tangled up in labels and numbers. I really want to concentrate more of my efforts on getting this body moving. I remember earlier in the year I was really enjoying doing yoga and some TurboJam and ballet workouts and fun stuff like that. I lost my way a bit due to not feeling well and also concentrating so hard on the food aspect of this journey. I really need to figure out more of a balance if I can. So focusing on the exercise part is a good start. I did a walk yesterday with the dog. I did keep my walks up as much as possible, which wasn't all that much at times due to the weather, but I do feel I made an effort, which is more than I can say for other things.

My exercise plan is to get kick-started with something different. I don't fancy doing TurboJam for some reason (mainly all the jumping around) so I think it's time to dig out Leslie Sansone and start Walk Away The Pounds again. Most of Leslie's workouts that I have looked at are PERFECT for people who have joint and muscle problems or who are very overweight/unfit/deconditioned as they are not focused on leaping around so much. They usually have good modifications. In terms of movement they are more of a power-walk than a run. Yet, in the past I have found them incredibly useful for burning calories and increasing my stamina. I do have one that is a bit more intense because it is intervals of strength training mixed with cardio, but the rest seem okay. So I shall start with the 3 mile one and see how I get on.

Given Up - Focusing on my relationship with food

I have been physically quite 'extra' unwell the past few weeks and I am mentally struggling. I have a lot of things I am processing in my mind about my life that have nothing to do with my weight. I need to change so many things and make decisions about situations in my life and I find that all takes guts and time and energy. I am very tired and pretty fed up with the situation as it stands and I don't really know what to do, where I am going or how to get there. As a result, I feel quite depressed.

I am still conscious of my food intake and what I am eating, so I am keeping somewhat of an eye on it. I reckon I am eating about 1,500-1,600 a day on my 'looser' days and 1,250-1,450 on my more controlled days. I have logged on and off over the past month. I haven't lost more weight since I last posted weight loss. Exercise is still challenging due to the not feeling well and I have only managed walks here and there. If anything, I would love to change this aspect - if the weather was nicer and the sun was shining, I could imagine myself getting outside... but it's been flooding here and so grey (am sure this does not help my mindset).

At the moment, I am aiming to either stay the same weight or perhaps lose if I can get a deficit. I am logging on the days when I feel like it and not bothering on the days when I don't. I am not going to waste time and energy on worrying about logging when I could be using that energy to do something else. I am hoping that being kind to myself and being less obsessive about the whole 'diet' and 'exercise' regime will actually allow me to revisit a more structured regime  in a few weeks or a month or two. I don't know when, but I want to get back there.

AIMS -

So my biggest aim is to not gain.
To be able to be comfortable with what I eat and not to be so hung up on everything.
I don't want the emotional state to result in comfort eating or eating without thinking.
I want to deal better with my situation from a food perspective... perhaps to focus on repairing my relationship with food, so it is not the enemy and neither is it the friend - it just is... fuel, that I enjoy, but that I eat because I need it, not because my life is a mess and/or I feel down.

4th Day

I am on my 4th day of logging. I keep getting back on the wagon, but I am still annoyed that TTOTM is interfering so much with my weight loss... it seems to completely de-rail me each time.

There was an interesting article in the Daily Mail yesterday. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2134162/Research-shows-trying-lose-weight-alters-brain-hormones-youre-doomed-pile-again.html
To be honest, the research was interesting and slightly depressing (to me, as someone who is doing what the research findings are is telling us is bad); however what was more distressing were the comments in reply to this article. People are SO narrow minded. They think that every overweight/obese person is sitting there stuffing their face and not moving a muscle. Just because there are some people in the world who can eat 3 meals a day, a bit of chocolate and the odd takeaway and not be/get fat, doesn't mean that this is the same for everyone... I can eat that and get fat! I hate the way some people tar everyone with the same brush - sure there are people who do overeat and don't exercise, but there are also a lot of us who struggle due to health problems and who yo-yo etc.

Urgh!

Dealing with disappointment

One of the things I am learning to deal with is disappointment.

I feel disappointed in myself this week because:

I feel as if I should have been able to 'control' myself better.
I feel as if I have wasted about 1 week when I could have been losing weight. (Not sure if I have or not as it's my not weighing week).
I feel as if there is not much point trying when I may end up putting it all back on.

A lot of these feelings come back to my need to totally control the eating/diet/logging situation or else completely fall off the wagon and give up. I find it frustrating that I am a total all or nothing person. I either am committed to the program, or I am not. There's not 'partial' with me. I find the whole idea of this all or nothing to be totally disturbing because I cannot see how it will work when it comes to the idea of maintenance. Does it mean that I have to be forever on a diet and forever logging?

I would be lying if I said I have not thought about the fact that I may not lose more weight and I may not reach my goal. Weeks like the one that has just passed lead me to that kind of thinking. 17.25 pounds in and I can feel that the novelty of logging, calorie counting and being in the weight loss/diet zone have completely worn off. Now it is a chore. This completely flies in the face of the fact I have lost the weight and my clothes are falling off me etc. Shouldn't that be a motivator in itself? Why isn't that enough to keep me from straying?

These feelings and situation are totally compounded by TOTTM - it's a difficult time for me. I have dreadful, really excrutiating periods with what seems like some kind of endometriosis/interstitial cystitis going on. My hormones are all over the place and the PMS runs pretty rampant. Being able to control myself in the face of this has proved too much. I just ended up giving in and eating what I wanted.

The part that really irks me is the fact that I have been dilly-dallying around this 165ish weight for a while... I feel that by now I should have moved on and be well away from it, but I know that if I am not careful, all this extra eating and not exercising is going to see me back at 165 and pretty much ready to throw the towel in.

So yes, I am disappointed and I am frightened. I don't want to be this weight... I feel really uncomfortable.

Struggling & TTOTM

This week has been a TOTAL nightmare...

It's TTOTM and I kinda went crazy and have not been within my calorie allowance for the past 4 days. It's not a complete disaster - I have been having between 1,500-1,700ish calories and apart from one day, which was my day off, I have forced myself to log so that I can get an accurate picture of how much I am consuming. I do feel proud of myself in a warped kind of way... for actually logging even though I know I was not within my allowance at all. The sad thing is that most of the extra calories have gone on cravings - chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate, cakes, dates, a granola bar... not all bad, but still not ideal.

Today I have been pretty much bed ridden for the whole day... in severe pain. So no exercise to even out the extra consumption. I am hoping that once TTOTM is out of the way, I can go back to my 1,400 allowance and stay within it.

Lost another pound!

1 more pound gone...


So far I have lost: 17.25 pounds. I have lost 3/4 of an inch off my neck! Not what I envisaged when I started logging again. I struggle very badly with right-sided swelling; particularly in my right thigh and knee. I believe this is due to Autoimmue Thyroid Disease, but I don't really know.

So here's my measurements *I started CCing on 9th Jan, but forgot to take my measurements, so I only have the starting ones that I knew of for my dress size*

	Starting	First measurement	March	April
	Measurements	3/02/2012	10/03/2012	14/04/2012
Weight	180.75	176	168	163.5
Neck		12.75	12.75	12
Bust	41	40.5	39.5	38.5
Underbust		32.75	31	30.5
Waist	36	32.5	32	30.5
Tummy	46	45	43.75	42.5
Hips	46	45.25	44	43
Thigh R		27.5	26.5	26
Thigh L		26.75	26.13	25
Knee R		19.25	19	19
Knee L		19	19	18.25
Calf R	16	15.75	15.5	15.5
Calf L	16	15.75	15.5	15.5
Arm R		13	12.75	12.5
Arm L		13	12.75	12.25