5 Months -> 5 Goals

Taken from: http://www.personal-goal-setting.com/

1. March - Start doing some artwork and research hat making

2. April - Progress to longer TJ workouts

3. May - Incorporate walking my dog, at least 3 times a week, into my exercise regime

4. June - Create a timetable for life (LOL!); including: work (keeping my work a secret) 5 days out of 7, artwork/jewellery making, walking dog, exercising cardio&weights, writing. *all things I should be doing but am very random about actually knuckling down to*

5. July - Buy a hula hoop and get hooping

The above are my goals for the next five months. The month = the time I need to actually get the thing done by the end of and if I get it done/started earlier, then great... but at least now I have some concrete things to aim for. This takes me through till July 31st. Hopefully by that time, not only will I have implemented the above things into my life, but I will also have made great strides in reaching my body goals. 



Here's my reasons for choosing these goals:


1. Artwork & Hat Making - this is something I really need to get back into; it's very therapeutic. I have A LOT of art materials that are just sitting and wasting away... I should use them. I also want to research hat making as I have a lot of materials/fabrics and could probably make some hats for myself. 


2. TurboJam Workouts - I have been taking it slow, which is a big achievement for me (as normally I like to rush full pelt into everything with disasterous results). I feel that April would be a good time for me to move onto more challenging TJ workouts that are both more difficult and longer. Again I am going to aim for slowly, slowly, so I shall start with adding 1 longer workout into my weekly routine and build up from there.


3. Dog Walking - in my more active periods, I have been able to walk my dog pretty much 4-6 days out of 7. I want to work up to giving her more exercise and by this time of the year, it should be do-able. She's getting older, so she is not so bothered to walk necessarily every day, but 3 or 4 times a week for 20-40 minutes would be good. I will aim to do the dog walking on days I don't do cardio, as I probably wouldn't manage it otherwise.


4. Life Timetable - I really, really think I need to create some kind of schedule or timetable for my weeks. I am thinking that each week I will try and do this (building it around other engagements I have), as I just don't get the things done each week that I need to do. Partly this boils down to a lack of energy, but I also feel unstructured and this doesn't help me to be motivated. If I had some kind of structure to adhere to, I think I would be a lot more productive.


5. Hoop & Hooping - So I love, love, love bellydancing and I used to love hula hooping as a child. I figure that bellydancing and hooping have quite a bit in common. After watching some videos on YouTube, I can see that hooping is something I want to try. 

From: http://circushoops.sectorlink.org/eshop/10Browse.asp

The Shocking Statistic

As an avid reader of Dances With Fat (http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/), I became aware of the statistic:

95% of overweight or obese people who successfully lose weight will have gained it back within 5 years. This means that only 5% of people who lose weight actually maintain that weight loss in the long-term.

I think this is pretty SHOCKING. Not only do people gain it back, but they frequently gain more weight than they lost.

For me, it rings true - I have lost and gained significant amounts of weight in the last 11 years, although I am pleased to say I have never gained back more than my highest weight - in fact I haven't even gotten back to my highest weight in those 11 years. Of course I don't know what the reality would be for me had I never gotten sick (as my weight issues started after I got sick) or if I had never had metabolic issues. Maybe I would never have had a weight problem? Who knows? Anyway, the reality is, I have yo-yo-ed.

So, I came across the the Dances with Fat blog and started looking into the whole HAEs  (Health at Every Size) movement about 3 or 4 months before I decided to go back to calorie counting and logging. Some might think it a strange decision - it probably is! - based upon the fact I knew about this statistic and possibly might have viewed my current efforts as pretty futile in the fight against my flab.

However, I do feel I am going into this process with my eyes wide open. Now I know the statistic, I am aware that I probably will have to consciously note my food intake in the long-term in order to maintain any loss. For a while this depressed me as I felt that it was a pretty sh!t state of affairs (let's be frank here) and acutally unfair (I suppose I felt resentful against all those people who don't have to do this). No matter what anyone else thinks, I am not physically comfortable at a bigger weight - not so much because of what other people might think, but because I find it uncomfortable in terms of actually moving around due to where the majority of my fat settles. It's a hinderance!

So although I blabber on about calories and logging and all that jazz, I am trying to focus on eating healthy, wholesome foods (which has always been my goal) and on getting fitter and stronger through targetted exercise and dog walking. In doing so, I am giving my body the best and most needed nutrients I can, and helping it to work optimally for me.

To a reasonable extent I understand the theory behind the HAEs message. I am walking proof that while I might not be well, even at my biggest I didn't have type 2 diabetes or high blood pressure or insulin resistance/syndrome X or high cholesterol. So I was obese, but did not have any of the things we (as a society) are told an obese person will have. I do think that there is a massive amount of scare mongering out there. The ridiculous thing is, I know at least 2 people who have issues with high blood pressure or high cholesterol who are what the medical profession would consider a 'healthy' weight!


During the time period where I have been obese and heavily overweight, I have had the scare mongering tactics thrown at me - these doctors were convinced I would have insulin resistance, high cholesterol, high blood pressure... the works! Why? Because I was bigger! Yet, there could be (and clearly are) people of normal weight who have those issues, but they are potentially not flagged up because they don't look like they might have them. So it's bad for both parties - the so-called healthy weight individuals and the overweight/obese individuals; if you are big, you are assumed to be some kind of ticking timebomb and if you are not big, you are assumed to be fine, even if you are not!


The Dances with Fat blog and the HAEs message have definitely helped me to have a different perspective on my weight, my approach to it and my eating. However, most importantly, they have helped me to cut through the cr*p that we are fed by the drug companies, the medical profession, the diet industry and thin-nist people. So many of my own beliefs around eating, health, diet, size, fatness, self-worth and obesity stemmed from these channels and were completely unfounded (not grounded in any science or logic). 


P.S. If you read the Dances with Fat blog, check out the comments to each post  - they are enlightening!

Blurgh...

Today I am not feeling good... not feeling good at all. *sigh* I think I have some form of stomach bug or virus or something. Yesterday I kept getting a headache that would come and go above my eyes and it's back today - accompanied by feeling sick/nauseous and a dodgy tummy.

Anyway, before this sickness realisation dawned on me, I did actually manage to get in a TurboJam workout. I did the 20 minute one. It seems to go quite quickly (bizarrely). At the moment I am only doing 'Burn' (which is the first workout and 15 minutes long) or the 20 minute workout (which is the second one). There are another 3 (I think) workouts on the DVD and they are longer and harder. I am trying to build up my stamina and strength by going slowly, as I once had a really bad reaction to this type of aerobic workout and I don't intend revisiting that moment! So this week I am aiming to do TJ twice and then supplement it with weights and either ballet workout or yoga workout. We'll see how I go.

Weight Loss Update & Weekly Challenges

Weight loss update - so I weigh now each week on a Sunday and I aim to weigh no more than once a week. My weight loss continues to be slow and steady. I am on target to meet my first major goal, which is to reach 130, sometime around October. Whether I do or not depends on whether I can keep my body in this current state of loss. I am calorie cycling (naturally I guess) between 1,200 to 1,400 on counting days and on my day off, I am probably reaching anywhere from 1,700 to 2,000 (in the maintenance range).

Thoughts -

• I am pleased that I am losing and that I am able to have a 6 day counting/1 day off schedule. This works well for me. I have managed before to not do a 'day off', but I think this time around I would struggle with that, as I do tend to go out with family or friends once a week, and it is so much more difficult and complicated to eat at those times and stay in count. It actually takes away the enjoyment for me, so I would rather have the day off and a rest from counting.
• I am conscious that this week just gone has been a poor week in terms of exercise for me. I did exercise and I met my challenge goal of 3 sessions of at least 15 minutes or more, but looking at my log I can see that if I do more intense exercise, the net calories would be greater or else to achieve the same type of net calories, I need to eat less, which I don't really want to do. This week just gone was TTOTM, so I think I am just going to have to accept that one week every so often will be a less intense exercise week (which is not a bad thing!), as I really can't be doing crazy exercise like TurboJam when I am having my lady issues.

Weekly Challenges

This week are as follows:

1. Weigh-in no more than twice this week (to check fluid issues due to TTOTM)
2. Exercise at least 3 x 20 minutes
3. Blog at least 4 entries
4. Write 5 goals for the next 5 months (should write 1 goal for each month - things you want to change, or to do etc)
5. Eat a portion of fruit or veg at EVERY meal on 5 out of 7 days 

Re: #5 - I am going to try increasing veg and fruits but without messing around calories... so veggie sticks will be my friend and swapping some snacks back to fruit

Weekly Challenges & 10 Good Things!

Each week I challenge myself...

Yes, that's how I roll... I work well when I set myself goals and challenges. I usually try to either pick things that I find difficult and will help me to move forward in my life and weight loss journey or else things that I know should be part of my plan for health.

This week the challenges have been as follows...

Challenges:
1. Only weigh-in once per week (difficult for me - getting better at this)
2. 3 x 15 mins exercise per week (should be part of my plan for health)
3. 3 journal entries per week (Motivating and helps me to work through issues I have)
4. List 10 good things about yourself (difficult for me)

So far I have stuck to # 1 and, as of last night, I have completed #2. I have obviously completed #3 already! (Yes I like to talk!) So that leaves me with #4 to do...


10 Good Things About Myself 

1. Extremely loyal
2. Caring
3. Creative
4. Enjoy helping other people and do try to help other people a lot
5. Sense of humour
6. Good at cooking (ha!)
7. I have gratitude (most days I try to make time to think of things I am thankful for and to remember how lucky I am to have a family, a warm & cosy home, to never be hungry or worry where my next meal is coming from etc)
8. Friendly
9. Animal lover (I think this is a good thing!)
10. Conscientious

To be honest, this list has taken me ages (several days) to compile. I would add one and then leave the list  for ages while I tried to think of something else. I find this type of activity really hard and I think that has a lot to do with not feeling good about myself and worrying what other people will think; both of which I have been working on for a few years. It's good to challenge yourself sometimes and I am finding making myself do these type of activities to be really helpful.

The 'Starting Not To Care' Stage

I realised today that I am entering the 'starting not to care' stage of dieting and calorie counting. It generally hits about 6 to 8 weeks in and as I am officially 6 weeks in this week, I guess this is rather timely!

Anyway this phase sees you going from total obsessive to slightly more relaxed, but... BUT... it is dangerous territory in my opinion. This is the make or break point.

Firstly - you arrive at this point because you start to get used to the new routine and eating structure. Your mind is no longing rebelling at every opportunity and instead seems to reach a kind of resigned approach: you're in this for the long haul.

Secondly - you keep eating the same things, so in the end you begin to know what you can and can't have. By the 6-8 week mark you have had quite a bit of practice at weighing and measuring, and calculating and logging. It's time to let go and release the reins a bit.

Thirdly - if you stay in the anxious, hyper aware, obsessive stage forever, you will become completely exhausted and/or risk developing some kind of eating problem...

So, the starting not to care stage sees me:

• Not measuring quite so much (for example, I am not weighing my bread after I slice it)
• Not logging after each meal (for example, I may allow two meals to go by before I start to log online, so I am beginning to work out how much I can have before I actually log it to find out if I am right or not)

The point of this is that: a. it happens naturally and b. you need to start to learn to judge for yourself and, more importantly, trust your own judgement. When you have quite a bit of weight to lose, you can find yourself at a point where you don't trust your own judgement (after all, possibly part of the reason you find yourself needing to lose weight is because you have a tendency to eat too much or whatever). Then when you are measuring and calculating and logging everything like a frantic nutter, you develop the actual 'need' to do those activities to reassure yourself that you are actually doing it right. Due to these reasons, I think it is good to slacken off a little... see how it goes. You can give yourself a little challenge of maybe a couple of weeks of more relaxed calorie counting before you judge whether you have learnt enough to be able to work this way and still lose weight...

That's the theory anyway!

I am now going to try and put this all into practice. As I said at the beginning, I am naturally finding myself at this stage. It feels instinctive, so I am going with it and will see what happens. I do think I need to give myself the mental space to go through this stage and see if it works and whether I can then continue on as I am doing. Otherwise, it's back to the drawing board and probably more measuring and weighing. Of course I feel a little "hmmm" about the prospect that it might not work and I may stay static or gain. I don't think I will gain to be honest... more likely stay static, but if I can keep my exercise up and am hopefully eating the right amounts, then I don't see why I should not lose as I have already been doing.

Awkward Subject...

Okay, so today I want to talk about an awkward subject:

Chafing & Rubbing... or as some people like to call it... chub rub.

For some bigger people this is a problem that can really interfere with life. Now despite me not being what I consider seriously large (this time around I have been overweight rather than obese - for what it's worth as it's all made up by human beings anyway!), because my thighs are a problem area, the above mentioned embarrassing issue has been a problemo for me. Yet the strange thing - well I think it's strange - about rubbing and chafing is that some people are a lot bigger than me and don't have that issue at all.

Chafing and rubbing of the inner thigh - yes lovely image there for you - is so problematic in the summer months. It precludes all wearing of skirts and dresses. There are specialist products you can buy to alleviate the issue:

http://www.bodyglide.com/
http://www.chemistdirect.co.uk/lanacane-anti-chafing-gel_1_10595.html

Other people suggest trying vaseline or baby powder.

I also have it on good authority that long legged undwear helps:

The thing is, for me, the skin sensation of having two bare legs touching each other was too much. I think it's something to do with my health problems... it set my nerves/teeth on edge. So for some considerable time, I have had to adhere to a 'no skirts or dresses' policy during the warmer months.

I can't wait for this to not be an issue... roll on skirts and dresses!!

Dreaming...

One of the things which a change in diet and lifestyle can do to you is it can make you a bit of a dreamer. Well this certainly seems to be the case for me! Since I have started to successfully lose weight and drop some inches, I have started to become interested in the idea of clothes again. Good for me style-wise, bad for my wallet!

To be honest, when I am bigger, I am just not interested in clothes at all. I have somewhere between an hour-glass and pear-shaped figure (big bust, small waist, big hips). When I am heavier, these features are more pronounced/exaggerated, so my hips are very large compared to my waist. It's not an easy figure to dress because of the hips and the bust. Dresses are a no-no. Trousers/pants are hard because, if the hips fit me, the waist is always way too big for me. Even tops are complicated because they need to be small on the shoulders, but big on the hips - n.b. most tops are not like this.

When I finally get to a certain point in weight loss and firming my body up, I start to be more in proportion. This means I can wear a wider range of clothes styles and find things that will fit me much easier on the High Street. My biggest pleasure of late is dreamily looking at catalogues and interestedly thinking about which items of clothing I could possibly start to fit within the next 6 months. 

It's interesting because the feelings inside me are so much different when I am actively working on losing weight, firming up and getting fitter. If I were not doing this, I would normally look at the catalogues that come through the door half heartedly, skipping through the pages and noting all the things I couldn't attempt wearing. After which, I would go through looking at the things I could wear, which would typically be not that much, and then spend ages wondering if it was worth buying anything because chances are it wouldn't fit in one area and would be too big in another (the curse of the out-of-proportion body).

So shopping as the bigger me becomes about covering the body and finding something to wear rather than being about what I would like to try wearing. Whereas, shopping as the smaller me becomes about trying different styles, different colours and textures and wearing what I want to, rather than just what will fit me and not look hideous.

Better start saving those pennies up!

Food Addiction & The Value of Sharing

I met with a lady I see once every so often in a situation where I am her client. I was talking to her about my journey with weight loss, eating, calorie counting and exercising. It was a good chat because this lady was also going through a similar situation and has been on a similar journey. I can really see the value of sharing your thoughts and feelings with other people going through the same thing. It takes away some of the isolation that you can feel when you, in some ways, find yourself excluded from freely eating along with other people (see my Social Food's blog post). It can also help to take away some of the negative feelings that one may have about one's body and fatness.

Anyway...

The conversation turned to food addiction. This is a term and concept I became familiar with a couple of years ago when I started watching the television show: Ruby. The show features the journey of a lady named Ruby Gettinger, who has struggled with obesity (morbid obesity) for many years. You can find more information on Ruby's show here: http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp. As part of her journey to losing weight and become fit, Rub has been confronting the fact that it is likely she has food addiction as an issue underlying much of her over-eating and consequent weight gain.

The lady I was talking to, was explaining that she felt she now understood 'addiction' (of any form) because she felt that some or much of her weight struggle was related to an addiction to using food incorrectly. By that, I mean that she did not eat and intake food purely for nutrition and energy, but partly due to uncontrolled urges and as a reaction to certain events/thoughts & feelings.

How many of us who struggle with our weight have some form of food addiction? I do wonder... I am exploring whether this is an issue for me.

I think I need to look up more information about food addiction to know what the criteria is for having this issue.

As a result of starting to think about this issue, I have come to the following conclusions:

I think that part of my problem stems from eating food when I don't actually need it... because I didn't really understand how much I truly needed. It's not that I was outright pigging - I have never eaten a whole bar of chocolate or a whole packet of biscuits or multiple bags of crisps/chips etc - but more that as someone whose health issues have included metabolic issues and have also caused great periods of pretty much complete sedentary lifestyle, I was consuming more than my body was burning up.

I also am not very mindful of food intake unless I am actively dieting. By that I mean that, when I am counting calories and hoping to drop some pounds, I am hyper conscious and vigilant about exactly what I am eating and what is going into my body in terms of both nutritional value and portion size. Yet despite changing my way of eating in the past and successfully losing weight and doing exercise, I have stopped and completely abandoned/forgotten the lessons I have learnt and thus find myself back here going through this all again! That realisation mildly depresses me. If I had learnt 1 or 2 times ago, I wouldn't be here again...

The thing I am not sure about is comfort eating. I am pretty certain I have done this on and off for years... I need to think more about it before I write about it... from the people I have talked to, it seems a common issue for those of us struggling to lose weight or to maintain a desired weight. However, I do wonder whether this is a behaviour that people at a lower weight engage in, but perhaps their bodies are naturally a lower weight or they somehow accommodate the comfort eating into their daily intake by lessening the amount of other food they eat during the day? Interesting thoughts!

My Day Off & TTOTM *That Time of The Month*

Yesterday was my day off... that is the 1 day in every 7 where I can be a little free-er in my eating. I can eat what I want.

The premise behind this is that:

• I will learn to control myself around food
• I will learn how much I can eat without gaining
• I will learn to not be reactive (and reactively eat)
• I will not plateau on my diet because I am not always eating the same amount of calories and same type of foods
• I will not feel deprived

So far, so good, until yesterday...

And I don't know if it's because I am now nearly at week 6 of calorie counting (week 6 will begin on 20th February) or whether it's because it's TTOTM and I am PMSing, but I felt out of control for the first time. I actually felt a combination of: a. eating too much (even though looking back it was not that bad) and b. knowing I was eating more than I should but still eating it!

The latter concerns me more than the former, not because I am not worried about eating too much, but because I feel that point B is something that needs to be dealt with, as it's probably what causes me to gain weight more than just the intake of too much food. Not being able to stop or control myself when I know I should is really not a helpful state to find myself in, as if I could stop myself eating when I am full or don't need the extra calories, I wouldn't be eating too much in the first place.

I can see this whole process being a long-haul right now. Nearly 6 weeks in and I am thinking I am making progress, but then I get stalled by this. I am not really sure if I was feeling deprived and PMSing or whether I was having some form of 'diet rebellion' or what. Maybe I will never know!

I have no idea who this baby is, but baby looks like I felt... fed up!

Image taken from: http://freejokesfunny.com/417/babies/16355/baby-sigh.html

Despite feeling like I had a slip-up, I still think the free day is very important. The reason I think it is very important mainly stems from the fact that when I go into maintenance in the future, I need some foundation and building blocks to build that state from. It's unrealistic to expect someone who has been dieting for 6, 7, 8 months or more to suddenly just go back to eating what they want and not gain any weight back. If you have not allowed yourself some freedom and some treats, how can you learn how to eat in a more 'normal', less restrictive and possibly socially more acceptable way? For me, this is a learning curve and instead of being frustrated, disappointed and guilty (which are natural feelings I want to have) about yesterday, I instead am trying to focus on this as a lesson in life.

The good news is that today I have been straight back on target. I amazed myself with my ability to pick myself up and get straight back down to business! I had a healthy, fibre-filled breakfast, went for a walk in the sunshine and then came back and prepared a 'healthy' Sunday roast dinner, which included my low-fat roast potatoes (recipe below).

Weigh-Forward's Calorie Counting Roast Potatoes

Ingredients:
Sunflower or Vegetable Oil
Potatoes (King Edwards, Rooster, Desiree are good for this)

Method:

1. Heat the oven to 200 C or 400 F
2. Peel as many potatoes as you need (for those calorie counting, I use between 100 to 150 grams each or 3.5 to 5 ounces each)
3. Cut the potatoes into chunks, as desired
4. Place the potatoes in a pan of cold water and bring to the boil
5. Simmer for no more than 5 minutes
6. Drain the potatoes into a colander and then shake them a little to roughen up the edges
7. Get a large roasting pan, take 1 tbsp of oil and pour it into the pan
8. Take a pastry or silicone brush and brush the oil over the base of the pan so that it is totally coated
9. Toss the par-boiled potatoes into the pan and spread them out so they are an even, single layer
10. Place the pan into the oven and cook for 15 minutes
11. Remove the pan, turn the potatoes over to brown each side and return to the oven for a further 15 minutes
12. Repeat step 11 once more before leaving in the oven for a final 15 minutes
13. Total cooking time should be approx. 1 hour
14. Serve with roasted meat, fish or vegetarian fare and plenty of freshly cooked vegetables

Social Foods & Social Eating

One of the things that becomes apparent when you focus on what and how much you are eating is: the amount of life and socialising that revolves around the intake of some form of food and/or drink. Even if you choose to focus more on going out without involving eating and are a person who likes to go out in the evening/night, you can't get away from the fact that most drinks *alcoholic ones* and many soft ones *unless diet versions* are pure calories.

For me, this realisation feels quite awkward. A lot of the interaction I have with other people is related to eating food. I don't go out much, but when I do, it is normally to have lunch with a friend. If I go shopping or to do chores in town, I would normally have a coffee or tea with my mother and eat a small meal such as a sandwich. These encounters can be incredibly difficult if, like me, you are calorie counting. It is surprising in this day and age how many food outlets do not openly publish nutritional information for their dishes, cakes, drinks etc. Even when you come home and go online, it can be hard or impossible to find this information. I don't want to have to keep asking to see the information and then what... noting it down in a notebook so I can log it when I get home?

Image from: http://cheezburger.com/flair18/lolz/View/111280384

As such, I find myself not really relishing these social occasions, whereas, prior to the calorie counting/logging, I would have looked forward to and enjoyed them. Now I almost seem them as a hassle. My strategy has been to organise no more than one social meeting a week, which I can then schedule to fall on my 'day off' when I eat freely and don't have to log. But it's not always possible to achieve this as some weeks I have more than one meeting or event to go to. So I just try my best to account for what I am having, but it does tend to take the joy out of food.

I find this rather anxiety inducing - yes, anxiety... I find calorie counting and logging can cause me to feel quite anxious. I don't want to do it wrong, to let myself down, to not lose weight because I tripped up... If I am honest, I feel that there is a lot of pressure to achieve my goal. I am not even sure where that comes from as no one else has asked me to or is expecting me to diet. It's more of a generalised thing, an: we all know you would look and feel better if you were slimmer type situation.

This leads me on to my other topic: Social Foods.

Now I mentioned 'Social Foods' a few blog posts ago, and I thought I would share what I mean (and this is just my idea/thoughts/opinion).

I noticed that there are a lot of foods that you can't have when you are dieting/calorie counting/logging/watching your weight/trying to lose weight and that nearly all of them are usually eaten in a shared/group situation.

In my family such foods are:

Biscuits (cookies)
Baked treats (prepared by someone in the family or someone else if I go to their house) - cakes, cookies, bars, etc
Crumble (a fruit pudding)
Pie (of any variety)
Things that go with: cream, ice cream, custard
Chocolates

In other families this list would probably be a little different. It matters not. The point is, there are foods that people want to share with you, but which you pretty much cannot have. The problem with this is not just that you might want to eat them, but that you actually can appear rude or antisocial by not sharing them or having some!


In my case/situation, nearly all these social foods are sweet foods. The reason I can't have them is partly because they are sugary/fatty and partly because my calorie allowance does not give much room for maneuver. That is to say that, if I were to have some of one of those foods, I would not be able to eat my main meals easily (as there would not be enough calories left in my allowance) and I would probably miss out on something healthy like fruit or vegetables, which is nutritionally more valuable.

In general, with savoury fatty/calorific foods such as: roast potatoes, wedges, chips/fries etc., if I cook them I try to make them as healthy as possible (cook them with very little fat) or if someone else cooks them, I will eat a tiny portion to satisfy both myself and the person who spent the time and effort in preparing it. With sweet foods, it is VERY DIFFICULT to do this. I have tried a few times and each time failed. 


I still haven't worked this out... the thing I feel most uncomfortable with is not so much not having the food item, but with not being able to share and participte in a social moment between family and/or friends. I often find myself going off to another room while they eat the particular food I can't have, which can feel rude and is also quite isolating. However, it is equally awkward to sit around people who are eating some delicious/tasty that you can't have. I also wonder how this will work going forward. Assuming I do make my target weight, what then? I can't foresee a way of eating these social foods without regaining all the weight I will have lost. I can't foresee myself going off to another room for the rest of my life. Where's the middle ground? Does anyone know?

From: http://www.zazzle.co.uk/sad_face_sticker-217712888839993310

The Difference

I found the exercise of writing positive and negatives really interesting. It is good to get those thoughts and feelings out there; I tend to bottle them up. I found it hard to write positives. Now... that disturbs me somewhat!

Isn't that quite ridiculous? I want to lose weight. I want to be physically smaller. I want to be fitter. I want to be stronger. I want to be able to exercise easily. Yet, the negatives of doing so - of achieving those goals - actually seems to outweigh the positives. This is a revelation for me... perhaps this is why a lot of people don't want to embark on losing weight and getting fit and strong? Or why so many people embark on it and then fall off the wagon. I would have thought that seeing as losing weight and getting fit is so desireable I would actually find it very easy to write a long list of positives, but no... I had to think long and hard, whereas, the negatives were pouring out of me like there was no tomorrow!

I suppose part of this relates to me being stuck in a certain mindset and way of life. Any type of change, even a good one, seems challenging. The mind keeps wanting to revert back to your comfortable, old lifestyle of no restrictions. Also, following a new way of eating and lifestyle can often conflict with those around you (friends, family, even co-workers) who are used to you being a certain way (and weight!) and may not be overly supportive of the 'new you'.

Tomorrow I will be blogging about Social Foods.

Positive Associations With Losing Weight & Calorie Counting

I have a feeling this list might not be so long... we'll see...

Positive Associations With Losing Weight & Calorie Counting

1. I appreciate more what I am putting into my body - nutritional value etc
   
2. I know I am doing all I can to regulate my weight and be healthy
3. It encourages me to do exercise
4. I feel physically more comfortable when I am a smaller size
5. Easier to buy clothes
6. My body becomes less out of proportion
7. I am physically able to do things easier (I think) when I am fitter (from exercise) and less 'body' is in the way  (e.g. bending down)
8. I may feel more attractive/sexy (not sure, we will see about this)

Current Thoughts

I have been calorie counting for just over 5 weeks now. Time flies when you are having fun... not! In some ways I feel as if I have been doing this much longer. Progress seems slow, even though it's actually not slow, it's average. I guess it seems as if I have to put A LOT more thought and energy into this endeavour than I seem to get out if it.

It is extremely easy for me to put on one pound... yet to lose one is really hard work. Yet, somehow I find it hard to feel that fact when I am eating normally (and by normally I mean not calorie counting). I find that confusing. Why can't the brain take in the fact that every time I go through weight loss, I have to work so, so hard to lose the weight and translate that into warning me to eat carefully and cautiously to avoid any re-gain?

Then there is a sinking feeling when I think about this being my 'forever-life'. I keep coming back to the idea that I will always have to log my calories online and watch what I eat. I can't face the thought of having to go through another serious weight loss attempt (e.g. losing 50, 40, 30 or 20 pounds). I also can't really face the thought of having to live like an anal calorie counter for the rest of my life around a bunch of people who don't have to calorie count! Yes, I resent that fact. So...

Image from: http://fyranyanseravrosa.blogspot.com/2009_11_01_archive.html

This whole 'situation' got me thinking about the following...

Negative Associations With Losing Weight & Calorie Counting

1. Weighing and measuring food
2. Having to prepare nearly all food myself to ensure that I know exactly what goes into each meal, which is exhausting
3. Needing to write everything down - all nutritional information - so I can log it later into the calorie counter
4. Having to come online EVERY DAY to use the calorie counter
5. Not being able to socialise easily because I can't eat social foods (will blog more about social foods another day)
6. Getting mad/frustrated when food does not have nutritional information on it and then I can't find the information online
7. Feeling very controlled and controlling about food
8. Blabbering on about how many calories is in things to other people (I know this drives my family mad)
9. Watching other people eat things I want to eat and knowing I can't have them
10. Knowing that to stay the weight I feel most comfortable, I have to watch every mouthful, yet other people who are 'near and dear' to me don't have to do this - seems unfair and builds resentment
11. Feeling a connection between worth and weight
12. The scales - having to weigh myself and be tied to certain numbers

There are probably more... those are the things I can think of right now that really bother me. I shall most likely update this list at some point.

On my next blog post, I will focus on the positives of losing weight & calorie counting.

The Lowdown...

I am trying to lose b/w 30-40 pounds. I want this to be the last time I go through this weight loss - I have had several goes before and successfully lost but through a combination of not knowing how to maintain and health problems that mess with my metabolism, I keep gaining some of it back.

I have health issues - affects my metabolism & my ability to exercise.

My approach at the moment is to aim for 1,400 calories a day. I am tending to vary between 1,200 to 1,400. I also have one 'free day' a week where I allow myself to eat what I want.

I am slowly integrating myself back into exercise.

Here's my stats:

5'5, age 31, female

SW (this time - 9 Jan): 180.75

CW: 172.5

GW: b/w 130 to 140