Childhood (Pre-Teen)
I became very sick as a child and suddenly was unable to do the physical activities I had previously done. Before being unwell, I was extremely active; pretty much on the go all the time. Now I swelled up a lot and was in terrible pain. I had debilitating fatigue. I began puberty quite early and I found that incredibly difficult. It was hard being at home all the time and stuck in bed or on the sofa. I missed being active and I missed school and friends. Becoming sick was definitely a catalyst for me becoming unhappy and experiencing circumstantial depression.
Early Teens
When I began secondary/high school, I was separated from my friends. I had come from a small village school and was thrust into a school over 10 times the size in pupil numbers. I had been away from my previous school for a long time. I was behind on schoolwork. I found it difficult to physically negotiate the school because it was so large and had no lifts. I developed acne and greasy hair; this combined with being way from school a lot lead to bullying. Early factors behind why I developed a weight issue:
- I was unable to physically exercise
- I started to eat more calories than I was burning - due to hunger AND comfort eating *due to unhappiness and the bullying/feeling I didn't fit in*
- Hormones were all over the place
- I had no understanding or concept of calories and how much I should be eating
- My parents no longer detailed how much I should eat
- As I started to gain weight I began to get into the unhappiness/comfort eating cycle
I reached a weight that seemed to stabilise and for a few years I stayed around that weight. I have no idea how much that was, but I know that I was wearing the same size clothes during that time (UK size 14/16). I met my first boyfriend when I was this size. The first time he saw me, I was in the swimming pool with my sister. Later he invited me (on another day) to go swimming again. I remember him saying to me that he: thought about whether he could be with/be attracted to someone my size. I now realise that he was checking out my body in my swimsuit! Funnily or sadly enough, at the time this did not ring the warning bells it should have.
Late Teens
I went to college and was still wearing the same size clothes. By the end of my first year of college, I had started to put on weight. The food at college was a lot of processed/fried food and I did not restrict my portions. I was walking quite a lot, but doing no other exercise. I found college quite stressful. I contracted Epstein Barr Virus for the second time and became quite unwell. My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me because he was no longer attracted to me at my increased size. That cut me to the core. I believe that this did not help me - I had a very low self esteem.
Early 20s
I dated quite a bit - around a UK size 18, I was okay (although not happy) with my size and some men seemed to be attracted to me, which made me feel that it wasn't so bad (haha!). Still at college, by age 20 I had ballooned to a UK size 20/22. I was EXTREMELY unhappy. I was very, very unwell and I went to the doctor to try and get help to no avail. I remember coming home one holiday and sitting on the sofa and bursting into tears in front of my sister and my mum because I felt so unhappy and uncomfortable. At this point, my mum decided to take me to a diet club. I went and started to calorie count and do short aerobic workouts. I lost about 21 pounds. I continued to do the diet after I left and got down to 175-ish. I went back to college a UK size 16, went out a lot, dated, and finished my degree.
Mid 20s
After graduating, and working in my first post-graduation job, I was housebound. I had a 'breakdown' in 2004. By 2005, I was wearing a UK size 16/18 and was asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. I decided I needed to lose weight. I started to calorie count and later to exercise (aerobics). I did some research and discovered Walk Away The Pounds and The Food Doctor (Ian Marber). I started to do WATP, exercise biking and changed my diet to Low-GI. I also did a couple of detox diets for a few days to conquer salt/sugar/caffeine issues. By the time the wedding came around, I was wearing a UK size 12 and weighed 144 pounds. A month later, I weighed 140 pounds (my lowest adult weight). Shortly after this, I started to develop a lot of problems in my life...
Late 20s
By my late 20s, I was working... 2 jobs (one night and one day). I was piling on weight and developed a number of severe health issues. I changed jobs to working full time in the day, the weight issues and health problems continued. My weight crept up to 175 again. On and off I tried a number of different things: Slim Fast, Low-GI, exercising (TurboJam, Salsacize, walking a lot/pedometer). Nothing worked. I was always hovering around the same weight plus or minus a few pounds. In 2008, I was becoming increasingly sick. I left work. In 2009, I did some temporary work and by the time I had finished, I had developed something wrong with my metabolism that caused me to gain 14 pounds in 4 weeks despite eating and exercising no differently to normal. In the autumn of 2010, I asked to be referred to a dietitian. I had developed hyperthyroidism as a result of autoimmune thyroid disease and resultingly lost some weight, but I wanted to lose more as I feared developing Insulin Resistance. I joined Calorie Count and lost weight. I got down to 168 pounds.
Early 30s
I became hypothyroid. My weight was out of control again and leapt back to 175. I desperately tried to calorie count and did random things like a juice fast. None of it worked. By the beginning of 2012, I was at 180.75. No matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I couldn't lose any and just kept gaining. I went onto thyroid medication and decided to re-visit Calorie Count. I started this blog.
Summary
I do not think there is any one reason that I became overweight. I believe that my weight issues are due to a mixture of physical and psychological factors. In terms of the physical, my ill health has a direct impact because it has affected my metabolism, hormones and my ability to consistently exercise over a long time period. In terms of the emotional and psychological, I understand and am aware that I have issues with men/sexuality and issues with coping with stress, depression and unhappiness. All these have lead to me comfort eating.
I also think that a lack of consciousness about my eating has been a big factor - so many times I have eaten without consciously thinking about what and how much I was eating. I also did not plan maintenance at all. I just didn't understand or factor in that I needed to continue restricting portions and calorie counting. I hope that having an understanding and awareness of this will help now.
I think I also had a bit of an attitude of: oh well, I am putting on weight now, so I might as well just give up. This lead to me yo-yo-ing. That is not to say that I would not have put on weight, but if I had stayed eating correctly for my height and the right types of foods, when my body finally righted itself, I believe I would have lost weight or at least stabilised. Instead, because I was eating whatever I wanted, I continued to gain weight. Again, I am now more aware of this and will try to keep it in mind.
I am proud of myself for the amount of entries I have written in this blog. I feel that I have a lot of 'stuff' built up inside me, that is slowly coming out. It is also helpful to put things into perspective by writing them down and useful to be able to go back over them at a later date.
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