Lesson Learned & 5 Things

What did having a few days off from calorie counting and logging teach me?

It taught me that my one free day off a week is fine - it's too short to make me fall off the wagon and I slide back into calorie counting quite easily. However, a few days is way too long. I can break a habit (the calorie counting/logging) in a few days, whereas in one day, the habit is still there.

I try to view situations, events and occurences in life as happening for a reason; whether that be to enlighten you or help you move forward etc. In this case, while I struggled with the situation of going back to calorie counting and logging and feeling somewhat out of control, I do see that I have learned a lesson. I have learnt that at this point in time, I cannot take more than one, or at a push two, days off. So until I have reached my goal, I plan on not doing that again - it wasn't really my choice to do it in the first place, but if it happens again, I am going to have to figure out a better way to be accountable.

I have also learnt that I need to constantly think of ways to motivate myself...

So, I did 5 things I have learnt about myself since starting this 'diet and exercise change'. Now I must do the 5 things I have learned about myself and my relationship with food (much harder!!) -

1. TTOTM = crazy cravings for sugar. I give in to PMS cravings. I have mentioned this before, but I really need to figure out a way to address this.
2. I am starting to be really hungry for breakfast. I enjoy breakfast now.
3. I can eat less than I think I need and still feel satisfied. My stomach is shrinking. My eyes are bigger than my stomach!
4. I sometimes eat to make other people happy. E.g. eating a slice of cake or an extra 'thing' because someone else thinks I should, when actually I don't want it and/or am not hungry. Or even eating a course at a restaurant so the person does not feel left out!
5. I can still enjoy eating even when I have to stick to a certain amount of calories. This is something I struggle to realise... even now. I need to remind myself of this. Eating 1,200 or 1,400 calories doesn't mean you can't don't enjoy the food you eat. It just means that you have to make better choices about what you eat so that the food is really satisfying and nutritious.

This week I had the challenges as usual:


1. Only 1 weigh-in - CHECK
2. 90 minutes of cardio or walking - NOPE... managed to do 55 cardio, 40 Yoga
3. 2 sessions of weights or strength training exercises of your choice - NOPE... none!
4. 3 blog entries - CHECK
5. List 5 or 10 things you have learnt about yourself and your relationship with food since you started your recent weight loss journey (this can be 1 blog entry) - CHECK

I am getting tired of challenges. Though, to be honest, they do actually work to some extent. If I hadn't had the challenge at the back of my mind, I wouldn't have done the yoga!

5 Things I have Learnt About Myself Since Starting the Diet

1. I do like exercise, if it's the right exercise for me at the time
2. I can eat a reasonable amount of fat and still lose weight - I previously always thought I couldn't eat much fat and lose
3. I am definitely happier slimmer - a. because I am more comfortable and b. because I feel less 'obvious' amongst other people
4. I have to be in the correct mindset to lose weight
5. I currently (and perhaps always) can fall off the wagon quite easily...

Taken from: http://girlfromthehills.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/falling-off-the-wagon/

The Wagon

Due to family events, I find myself at the 'get back on the wagon' stage yet again. I am not feeling this at all. It's so hard! My mind has slipped a bit and I have lost the control feeling and replaced it with a laissez faire type emotional state, which is not helpful at all. Finding ways to self-motivate seems hard. Even knowing that I am now able to get into some clothes that are 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing at Christmas does not seem to be helping very much. It's frustrating. I am hoping that if I can get a clear run... 1 week... of CCing, I will be back in the habit. So I am starting that today.

The past week & challenges

I guess I had 2 days off this week. Thursday, I didn't really totally have it off as breakfast, lunch and dinner were all okay and my usual fare. It's just that I felt so exhausted, I didn't have the strength to come online and calorie count/log. I also ate 4 chocolates from a box of chocolates we had. This month has been terrible for PMS and PMS eating. I am learning... learning to be okay with a couple of days of eating impulsively. It's better than 30 or 31 days of eating impulsively, after all!

I have met the challenges this week and I pleased about that. The ones starting tomorrow are:

1. Only 1 weigh-in
2. 90 minutes of cardio or walking
3. 2 sessions of weights or strength training exercises of your choice
4. 3 blog entries
5. List 5 or 10 things you have learnt about yourself and your relationship with food since you started your recent weight loss journey (this can be 1 blog entry)


I am about to go for a walk with the dog and then finish cleaning the bathrooms and make my bed. I won't be online Sunday-Tuesday this week as I have a guest staying.

Be Kind to Yourself & See 'The Bigger Picture'

A big lesson I think a lot of people (including me) who have struggled with their weight need to learn is to be kind to themselves.

Why?

Firstly, because so much of society is against us. As in 'us' being the overweight, the fat, the obese, the large. There is so much discrimination against people of size and it is so widespread that is seems normal and thus has become ingrained into our brains.

Secondly, because no one else is going to!

Thirdly, because being kind to yourself means loving yourself and being positive about yourself - both of these are essential to success. Look around you... how many people do you see or know of who are extremely pessimistic and negative and who are extremely successful?

It's so easy when you are trying to make long-term changes to your life - whether they be dietary, exercise or something else - and to feel every little so-called failure. As in: I feel bad/guilty/a failure because I just ate a cake/a chocolate/some fries. In reality, it's not a failure. In other areas of life, we probably would not notice or feel these challenges or slip-ups so keenly. However because we are so used to feeling negative about ourselves on a weight-related level, eating something we feel we shouldn't or not doing enough exercise, manages to take hold of us in a big way. Being able to rationalise these moments, whether they be minutes, hours, days or a week of our long-term journey, is so important. If you are able to rationalise that in the general scheme of things it's not such a big deal, then you are being kind to yourself. You are seeing the bigger picture. 

The Bigger Picture =

Rationally I know that: one day or one week of slip-ups is not going to be detrimental to me losing 10, 20, 30, 40 pounds and keeping it off long-term.
Reality is... it may stall my weight loss for one week or two even, but it doesn't stop me from reaching my goal in the long-term. I might lose the sprint, but I can certainly win the marathon.

Pace yourself. Be kind to yourself. See The Bigger Picture.

Did you know...

... that mucho housework = mucho calories burned? I realised just now, after logging my calories and activity, that I have burned over 430 calories just doing housework. I also spent another 2 hours cooking today, which I haven't logged. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I can get some of my own work done tomorrow afternoon... we'll see.

OMG

Okay so I thought I would be doing TurboSculpt tomorrow, but we'll see as I have spent literally like 6 hours on my feet without a break. I was cooking and doing chores to help my mum. I did manage to squeeze in a 30 minute dog walk (with 5 minutes of that standing talking to a group of 10 children while they stroked my dog haha... nice rest time).

I realised that I need to start spring cleaning, so the next few weeks will be full of that. If I am doing that and walking the dog, it may have to sub for my exercise. I also realised today that I have not made any progress with doing any art or researching making hats, so I need to get onto that as it's March's challenge!

Weigh-In & Working Out

A quick update... back to Sunday weigh-in:

Loss this week = 2.25 lbs

I am really happy with this as last week I only lost 0.5 and normally I am losing around 1.25 to 1.5. Sooo... in the past two weeks I lost 2.75, which seems right. Yay.. so far I lost 15 pounds in 10 weeks.  I am now 3/4 of a pound away from my first mini-goal!

From: http://www.theweightlosstips.co.uk/scales-whats-your-reasoning/

I was sitting downstairs last night contemplating the thought that I had fallen off the wagon and couldn't really be bothered with the whole 'diet' thing anymore. However, weighing myself today has reinvigorated me to keep going. It's been an extremely tough week due to eating out 4 times and then today eating rich food as it is Mother's Day here.

I have decided my workout schedule this week will look like this:

M: Walk dog
T: Turbosculpt
W: Walk dog
Th: Yoga
F:  Walk dog
S: Walk dog

Now even these dog walks are going to be anywhere from 20 minutes to like 50 minutes (if I feel inclined and it's not raining). Turbosculpt, I will see how long I manage. I have decided to continue with it because I know I need to do weights and strengthen myself. Yoga again is a good core and strengthening exercise. I shall come back to the TurboJam when I am feeling better.

Being Okay With Eating More

Both yesterday and today turned into social days for me. I went out for lunch yesterday and also today. It's been difficult. I have found that I could not stick to my calorie counting or my calorie limit for either day. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted and enjoy it both days rather than fret about not being able to find something I could eat on the menu or the fact that I am not able to account for my calories 100% due to not knowing weights and nutritional content etc.

This has been rather challenging for me. I know that 2 days in my journey is not going to be the ruin of me. After all, 1 of those days would normally be my day off. However, it's hard to not feel paranoid about such matters when one has been raised in a society where eating very little is linked with being thin and losing weight and eating more and luxuriousr restaurant foods is seen as leading to being bigger/fat.

Yet again I feel as if I am going through a processing stage. I have changed my exercise this week, eaten somewhat differently and had to deal with eating with other people (as my eating out before this has been mainly with my family). I am definitely learning something from putting myself in these situations.

Settling Into A New Routine

Mid-week and I find myself settling into a new routine regarding exercise. I have managed 2 days now of longer dog walks. Tomorrow and Friday I will try and fit in shorter ones as I will be out of the house for a while and won't have so much spare time. I am enjoying the change from the workouts. I might alternate - 1 week workouts, 1 week walking. On the weeks I workout, I do try to squeeze in a couple of walks... for my dog's sanity!

Resting ~ Week 10 - Finding the Middle Path

I am just about to take my dog out for a walk instead of doing my usual high impact cardio workout. I really need to rest this week. I know that if I take some time out, I will feel up to do the higher impact exercise again. Maybe this is what happens when you enter week 10 - you feel a little jaded & need a little time out.

I am still calorie counting, but I am not sweating the small stuff. If I go slightly over, I won't be stressing out. Life is short and I think that when people calorie count/diet, exercise and invest themselves in a new way of life, it can become a bit of an obsession. My mum always says: everything in moderation and I think she is right. It's easy to become overly meticulous about food and exercise just like you might have previously been the complete opposite and not given a damn! Trying to find that balance or middle way or treading the middle path is very important. It's also very Buddhist.

From: http://yogilovesveggies.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/middle-path.jpg

So what do I think the 'middle way' or 'middle path' looks like:

• In tune with your body
• Intuitively eating (knowing what is right and wrong for you at any given moment - so listening to hunger, listening to cravings, listening to your body's needs for nutrition)
• Being okay with yourself at your current size
• Having the ability to 'let go' of things as they occur (not comfort eating in reaction to boredom, stress, upset)
• Not feeling guilt around food/eating
• Knowing that, no matter how long it takes, you will reach your destination
• Being okay with the fact that this process takes time
• Being peaceful around food, eating, weight, exercise and not feeling other people's pressure and stress about what you should or should not be eating/doing

I am very slowly getting there. I think it will take me a long time to reach the point where I am able to factor all of the above into my life and my mind. I am okay with that though. I know that right now I am doing my best and that's all that matters.

Day Late

I weighed myself this morning (instead of yesterday morning) as I didn't have time yesterday because I was going out. I lost 1/2 a pound. All that effort to lose half a pound!! I am a bit swollen, so I wonder if I may have lost more, but it's not showing up on the scale. Hmmmm...

Anyway, I realised that I am incredibly tired. I woke up, and because I went out yesterday to the 'big smoke', I am now physically paying for it in the form of increased exhaustion and muscle pain. Despite having lived with debilitating chronic illness for years, I am still amazed by my own body's reaction to something normal like going out for the day or even a couple of hours at the shops. The problem with this reaction is that it means I am only good at CCing and exercising when I pretty much don't go out of the house. I am going to do my uptmost to keep up with it this week, but I am going to lay off the intense exercise and focus on walking my dog and perhaps doing some light stretching or weight work.

In it for the long haul... & Yoga

Today I woke up and realised:

a. this is a long and slow process
b. I am in it for the long haul

As the weeks tick by, it's easy to forget where you started off when trying to make long-term changes to your diet and/or exercise regimen (or even instil an exercise regime in the first place!). On Monday it will have been 9 weeks since I started this journey and to be honest it's hard to gauge results. What I mean by this is that, yes I have lost X amount of quantifiable pounds, yet it's hard to remember how I looked and how things fitted me 9 weeks ago.  As a result, translating weight loss into changes in my body is hard. I have kept measurements and I hope these help me to see where I am losing. The good news is that yesterday I was able to wear a pair of pants that I had not been able to wear for a long time due to weight gain.

So today marked the last day for doing the challenges. I have managed to do all of them except the fruit one. I finished the last 2 by playing fetch with my dog and doing 50 minutes of the new yoga DVD. The yoga is a little mixed; some of it seems reasonably easy and other bits are super hard. The standing poses are quite challenging due to the mixture of balance, strength and flexibility. I am hoping to do this yoga practice weekly for a while before increasing to perhaps 2 times a week because I really want to keep up my cardio and strength training too. I am pretty tired from all this working out.

Working Out

I am feeling really tired and cold. Completed the 2nd workout of the week. I attempted Cardio Party from the TurboJam series. The DVD seems to have a glitch for this workout which is very annoying, as it keeps sticking and skipping. Anyway, I managed to do the workout, but I could feel there were a few bits where I was really flagging; then I got my second wind.

This leaves me with one more workout to do and a dog walk. I am aiming to do yoga on Saturday. I am going to try and get my mum to do some of it with me. It is a beginner level workout, so the poses are modified if needed and I think it should be doable. I have no idea when I will walk the dog - maybe tomorrow after I get back from town.

Tomorrow is my day off, so I will be relaxing and not counting. Yay!

Why I Got Overweight & My Weight Issues History

In order to examine and begin to answer this question, I need to go back to when I first started to put on weight...


Childhood (Pre-Teen)
I became very sick as a child and suddenly was unable to do the physical activities I had previously done. Before being unwell, I was extremely active; pretty much on the go all the time. Now I swelled up a lot and was in terrible pain. I had debilitating fatigue. I began puberty quite early and I found that incredibly difficult. It was hard being at home all the time and stuck in bed or on the sofa. I missed being active and I missed school and friends. Becoming sick was definitely a catalyst for me becoming unhappy and experiencing circumstantial depression.

Early Teens
When I began secondary/high school, I was separated from my friends. I had come from a small village school and was thrust into a school over 10 times the size in pupil numbers. I had been away from my previous school for a long time. I was behind on schoolwork. I found it difficult to physically negotiate the school because it was so large and had no lifts. I developed acne and greasy hair; this combined with being way from school a lot lead to bullying. Early factors behind why I developed a weight issue:

1. I was unable to physically exercise
2. I started to eat more calories than I was burning - due to hunger AND comfort eating *due to unhappiness and the bullying/feeling I didn't fit in*
3. Hormones were all over the place
4. I had no understanding or concept of calories and how much I should be eating
5. My parents no longer detailed how much I should eat
6. As I started to gain weight I began to get into the unhappiness/comfort eating cycle

Mid Teens
I reached a weight that seemed to stabilise and for a few years I stayed around that weight. I have no idea how much that was, but I know that I was wearing the same size clothes during that time (UK size 14/16). I met my first boyfriend when I was this size. The first time he saw me, I was in the swimming pool with my sister. Later he invited me (on another day) to go swimming again. I remember him saying to me that he: thought about whether he could be with/be attracted to someone my size. I now realise that he was checking out my body in my swimsuit! Funnily or sadly enough, at the time this did not ring the warning bells it should have.

Late Teens
I went to college and was still wearing the same size clothes. By the end of my first year of college, I had started to put on weight. The food at college was a lot of processed/fried food and I did not restrict my portions. I was walking quite a lot, but doing no other exercise. I found college quite stressful. I contracted Epstein Barr Virus for the second time and became quite unwell. My boyfriend of 2 years dumped me because he was no longer attracted to me at my increased size. That cut me to the core. I believe that this did not help me - I had a very low self esteem.

Early 20s
I dated quite a bit - around a UK size 18, I was okay (although not happy) with my size and some men seemed to be attracted to me, which made me feel that it wasn't so bad (haha!). Still at college, by age 20 I had ballooned to a UK size 20/22. I was EXTREMELY unhappy. I was very, very unwell and I went to the doctor to try and get help to no avail. I remember coming home one holiday and sitting on the sofa and bursting into tears in front of my sister and my mum because I felt so unhappy and uncomfortable. At this point, my mum decided to take me to a diet club. I went and started to calorie count and do short aerobic workouts. I lost about 21 pounds. I continued to do the diet after I left and got down to 175-ish. I went back to college a UK size 16, went out a lot, dated, and finished my degree.

Mid 20s
After graduating, and working in my first post-graduation job, I was housebound. I had a 'breakdown' in 2004. By 2005, I was wearing a UK size 16/18 and was asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. I decided I needed to lose weight. I started to calorie count and later to exercise (aerobics). I did some research and discovered Walk Away The Pounds and The Food Doctor (Ian Marber). I started to do WATP, exercise biking and changed my diet to Low-GI. I also did a couple of detox diets for a few days to conquer salt/sugar/caffeine issues. By the time the wedding came around, I was wearing a UK size 12 and weighed 144 pounds. A month later, I weighed 140 pounds (my lowest adult weight). Shortly after this, I started to develop a lot of problems in my life...


Late 20s
By my late 20s, I was working... 2 jobs (one night and one day). I was piling on weight and developed a number of severe health issues. I changed jobs to working full time in the day, the weight issues and health problems continued. My weight crept up to 175 again. On and off I tried a number of different things: Slim Fast, Low-GI, exercising (TurboJam, Salsacize, walking a lot/pedometer). Nothing worked. I was always hovering around the same weight plus or minus a few pounds. In 2008, I was becoming increasingly sick. I left work. In 2009, I did some temporary work and by the time I had finished, I had developed something wrong with my metabolism that caused me to gain 14 pounds in 4 weeks despite eating and exercising no differently to normal. In the autumn of 2010, I asked to be referred to a dietitian. I had developed hyperthyroidism as a result of autoimmune thyroid disease and resultingly lost some weight, but I wanted to lose more as I feared developing Insulin Resistance. I joined Calorie Count and lost weight. I got down to 168 pounds. 


Early 30s
I became hypothyroid. My weight was out of control again and leapt back to 175. I desperately tried to calorie count and did random things like a juice fast. None of it worked. By the beginning of 2012, I was at 180.75. No matter how hard I tried to lose weight, I couldn't lose any and just kept gaining. I went onto thyroid medication and decided to re-visit Calorie Count. I started this blog. 

From: http://gmathur.blogspot.com/2011/09/why.html

Summary


I do not think there is any one reason that I became overweight. I believe that my weight issues are due to a mixture of physical and psychological factors. In terms of the physical, my ill health has a direct impact because it has affected my metabolism, hormones and my ability to consistently exercise over a long time period. In terms of the emotional and psychological, I understand and am aware that I have issues with men/sexuality and issues with coping with stress, depression and unhappiness. All these have lead to me comfort eating.

I also think that a lack of consciousness about my eating has been a big factor - so many times I have eaten without consciously thinking about what and how much I was eating. I also did not plan maintenance at all. I just didn't understand or factor in that I needed to continue restricting portions and calorie counting. I hope that having an understanding and awareness of this will help now.


I think I also had a bit of an attitude of: oh well, I am putting on weight now, so I might as well just give up. This lead to me yo-yo-ing. That is not to say that I would not have put on weight, but if I had stayed eating correctly for my height and the right types of foods, when my body finally righted itself, I believe I would have lost weight or at least stabilised. Instead, because I was eating whatever I wanted, I continued to gain weight. Again, I am now more aware of this and will try to keep it in mind.

I am proud of myself for the amount of entries I have written in this blog. I feel that I have a lot of 'stuff' built up inside me, that is slowly coming out. It is also helpful to put things into perspective by writing them down and useful to be able to go back over them at a later date.

Update - Exercise

Last night I barely slept a wink because I was feeling anxous and my leg muscles were so painful that I could not get comfortable in any position. Normally I would not have exercised because of this, but today I thought I would push myself and I literally forced myself to do TurboSculpt.

It's a strength training workout - 39 minutes long - and you have the option of using whatever weights you want or none at all. I did a little bit of it last week without weights, and figured that this week I would try doing the whole workout. Oh my gosh... talk about challenging! I picked 1 kg (2.2 lbs) weights to do it with and managed to do about 1/2 the workout with them. Then I switched to 0.5kg (1.1 lbs) weights because I was nearly about to die and have a heart attack. By the end of it I had resorted to using no weights. The result: I had serious jelly legs and my right calf muscle was doing a twitchy dance of its own LOL.

The upshot of this is that I feel I am learning to listen to my body a little more and to recognise when I need to either put the weights down or switch to lighter ones. I realised while I was doing the workout that, if switching weights or not using any meant I could complete the workout, then it would be better to do that than to just completely give up.

I have a Yoga for Beginners DVD that I have not tried out. I am hoping to try that on Saturday if I can muster up the enthusiasm.

Weekly Challenges

My friend set this week's challenges:

1 - One weigh-in this week.
2 - Eat at least 1 serving of fruit per day with some fiber or protein to lower GI.
3 - Get 60 mins of exercise in the week, broken down however you prefer.
4- Take the dog for 2 walks, if the weather allows it. If not, play with her at home.
5 - Write a blog post on why you think you got overweight.

I am not feeling good. I did manage to do #2 today by eating 1 serving of fruit (banana) with multigrain bread (fibre) and peanut butter (protein). The weather is awful, so no walking for me. I am hoping to get in some exercise towards #3 tomorrow; we'll see. As for #5, that will take some thinking!!

Today, I did do one good thing.. I made the dough and sauce for wholewheat pizza. I have put 1 portion of dough and 1 portion of sauce to be frozen, so I can quickly make a pizza another time/day when I don't have time to do it all from scratch. The remaining dough and sauce will be used to make a pizza tomorrow for me and the family. It will be around 12 inches across, so I will have a third of it with some salad. Toppings will be mozzarella and vegetables (probably mushrooms, tomatoes and sweetcorn). Hopefully it will be nice and a little healthier than the usual store-bought pizza we have.

On Track...

I have been doing the calorie counting lark for 8 weeks now. I worked out that I have lost 12.25 pounds in this time period, making my loss an average of: 1.5 pounds a week. I am really happy with that; it's comfortable and sort of average. I reckon this will become 0.5 to 1 pound a week once I get nearer my ultimate goal area of 130-140. I realised that I currently have 3.5 more pounds to lose before I meet my first mini-goal of 165. I am hoping to meet this by the end of March (so in 3 to 4 weeks). This will be the lightest weight I have been since maybe 2006 or 2007. Exciting!

Image from: http://www.rightot.blogspot.com/

Anyway, this week, I honestly didn't think I had lost anything as I can't really 'see' where I have lost. On other weeks (aside from TTOTM) I have been able to clearly see where it's coming off and have a little confidence about stepping on the scale. So now I guess my body has decided to lose from less obvious areas. Like a lot of people, I have a specific pattern of loss that I always seem to follow no matter how big I am or what 'diet' I am following. I seem to lose somewhat like this: waist & knees, then jaw/face,  then bust/clavicles, then tummy/pelvis, then hips & thighs, then arms & calves... So at the moment, the waist has stopped losing. I am hoping that now my hips/thighs decide to catch up a bit!! It's kinda weird that I lose on my face before my hips! Most people say their face/jaw is the last thing to lose.


In other news, now we are in March I am turning my thoughts to my goal...

Artwork - My plan is that I will start sketching out a painting this week. Will update on that as and when.

Researching hat making - I am going to look for patterns.

Meditating, Challenges & Taking a break...

My last post kinda blew up in my face, so I have edited it to remove the difficult part. I do not want any drama right now because I am trying so hard to focus on getting healthy and strong (and that's taking all my energy). And I have to be honest, I was not totally comfortable with what I posted anyway... I generally am a really private person and airing my innermost thoughts in public always seems to come back to bite me on the rear. As one person who met me IRL who knew me through the Internet said: You have a public face and a private face. You are a totally different person in private. I guess it's true. I can organise events for strangers and make YouTube videos. I can speak in public in front of masses of people and it doesn't phase me, but being judged does and I find that being completely open in front of people tends to elicit comments/judgement/opinion over my life choices that I am not comfortable with. Okay I tend to be quite an open book, but am I really being totally me... of course not! It's a bit like being at work and being professional; you probably don't take your work face and 'tude home with ya. Correspondingly, I may appear extremely open online, but I have my boundaries and there is an element of me that is not shown through my 'public face' that very few people get to see... as I allow few people truly into my private domain.

Anyway, moving on to something more interesting...

I took yesterday as my day off and I can say it was a relief to not have to calorie count or to log. Not logging means I can take a day off from the computer also and that is always a welcome break. I made some brownies for a friend coming over and they were really nice. I totally enjoyed eating the brownie; pure enjoyment and I didn't want more than my portion - no desire for seconds, which was good as normally I would want to eat another if I have made something like that.

Today I was alone for most of the day so I took some time to get on with chores and some activities I wanted to do. It was good to do that and have the place to myself. I took my dog for a walk this afternoon and we both really enjoyed that. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air.

I am incredibly tired at the moment. I feel emotionally and mentally tired, not just physically. I have some challenging times coming up; the next two weeks are very busy. In fact, the week beginning the 12th looks to be pretty jam packed and I have at least two lunches out (one after the other!). It will be interesting to see how my calorie counting fits in with this!

I managed two TJ workouts this week - probably partly why I feel so yuck. I actually did some of TurboSculpt, and boy is that workout amazing. I am looking forward to being able to do more of that, as it's a fun way of sculpting and strengthening with weights (although this time around I didn't use weights). Here's my update on the week's challenges:

1. Weigh-in no more than twice this week (to check fluid issues due to TTOTM) - I haven't weighed, so will be weighing tomorrow as usual. Completed this goal. 
2. Exercise at least 3 x 20 minutes - I did 2 TJ workouts and walked Millie (all 20 mins or longer). Completed this goal.
3. Blog at least 4 entries - Completed this goal.
4. Write 5 goals for the next 5 months (should write 1 goal for each month - things you want to change, or to do etc) - Completed this goal.
5. Eat a portion of fruit or veg at EVERY meal on 5 out of 7 days - Okay, so here's my downfall.. I have managed 4 days out of 7. Not bad... but still... must do better! I am not sure I have felt any benefit. I did juice once and I totally felt a difference from that, so I am thinking to aim for 2 meals with fruit/veg and 1 dose (ha! it is a bit like medicine) of juice a day.

So when I was writing my 5 months of goals, I was going to write meditation as one of them... but I decided not to. Anyway, I feel as if I need to get back into meditating; I took a break for a while. I just need to take time out for myself. I do a lot of stuff for other people and there are times when I need to recognise that I don't need to be permanently hooked up to the Internet like some kind of drip feed... Taking a time out, relaxing, meditating, reading, walking the dog... they are probably more beneficial pursuits for me at this point.

Understanding Appetite

My appetite confuses me. Yesterday I was hungry and wanting to eat things; I had the munchies. I indulged and went over my calorie allowance by about 100 calories. Today, I do a load of exercise (30 minutes of pure sweating) and I am not very hungry at all in comparison to yesterday, but I actually burnt more calories today so would expect to feel more hungry! Anyway, I just logged my calories after eating my food for the day and I only ate 1,045, yet I feel super full. It's really bizarre!! I am going to make it to 1,200... will eat something more in a bit (and yes, I am forcing it down my throat...). I might have an apple... hmmm. [Edited to add: the apple turned into half a Snickers bar].

Weight Goals & Rewards

I didn't really start this process with any weight goals per se, more like a random idea of where I eventually wanted to be. However, my running partner (not actual running... I don't do running, but my weight loss bud) has some weight goals and non-food based rewards planned, so I thought perhaps I had better get with the program and develop some of my own!

Lbs

165 - Some kind of beauty treatment I don't already have - maincure or pedicure or something
155 - A few new spring/summer clothes
145 - Henna on my hand/s
135 - New clothes, new clothes...

I am aiming for between 130-140... so we'll see where I end up.

My ultimate goal = to be light enough and fit enough to go back to horse riding... there I said it... maybe now I can make it real?!